Miscellaneous

An Open Letter to Apple

September 14, 2017

Open letters are… well, they are open for anyone who wants to read them.  And, social media has provided a perfect platform for anyone to write one and for anyone to read one.

I must admit that I have always kind of rolled my eyes at open letters because there is usually some degree of narcissism.  Open letter writers want attention, or thankfully in many cases they genuinely want to bring attention to a certain matter versus to themselves.

Well, I am stepping into unknown territory, breaking my open letter silence and publishing my very own open letter, as a way of sharing my humorous frustration with Apple.  Enjoy!

My Open Letter to Apple

Dear Apple,

I have an iPhone 6 and my battery is no longer holding its life. I know this comes as a complete shock to my fellow iPhone owners, who are reading this open letter in droves with their jaws dropped at such an occurrence.

But, you will be happy to know that I lamented to my husband, an employee of a very large software company, about my dying device and he implored that I wait until the new iPhone 8 comes out in November or whenever that is, instead of running out to grab the available iPhone 7.

I was excited. Goody! A phone, that takes better pictures (because my friend Julie who knows all showed me her 7 and how it takes ah-mazing pictures).  Surely the iPhone 8 will take even better ones?  And, I assume that it will hold a charge for an entire t-ball game!?

Because, it will be new?

I was all-in for the upgrade.

I was like thumbs up babe! Rock on!

Happy dance!

Then, I had a conversation with my friend Jessica who said to me…”You knowwww, they are going to be like $1,000, right?” I was like, “Um, what?”  Thinking for a moment I responded to her, “Oh no.  I am due for an upgrade. I don’t think I have to pay full price.”

(Spoiler alert – yes I do).

Let me rewind. About two months ago, we went to our local Apple store and purchased a new iPad for my Mom, who needs the cellular iPad for internet access. Her brand new iPad only cost four-hundred and some dollars. The non-cellular one was somewhere in the three-hundred dollar range.

So, a device, which can almost replace computing, that can FaceTime its grandchildren, with a screen larger than a phone (for those of us who are lingering more and more at the readers kiosk in Walgreens), costs about $600 less than a device that is smaller but does about the same things?

Now, I should confess that I am not a techy. As a matter of fact, I never update my apps on my phone. It drives my husband batty. And, it drives me equally as batty that sometimes I find him in the kitchen, by the iPhone charger, with my phone in his hand doing sacrilegious things like updating my apps.

My husband is techy. He knows a thing or three about technology. Kip from Napolean Dynamite has nothing on him. I just wish my husband liked sea bass, so we could have more dinner diversity.  Meanwhile, I don’t even know how to turn on the television to the local channels.

Well, when my husband returned from a recent business trip to Hong Kong he beamed as he showed me an image of the iPhone X, which I think reads, “ten?” What?! A ten?! There is a ten?! Gasp!  So, I could have a ten and not just an eight or a seven or whatever it is that my battery-impotent phone is currently?

In the back of my mind I quietly wondered…what happened to nine?  Seven eight (ate) nine didn’t it Apple?

Sorry.  Not sorry. 😉

Apple, I think I broke his heart a little when I began my monologue tirade, while washing the pan in which I had cooked a really delicious garlic lemon chicken dish. He had pulled up the picture of the new iPhone X and explained to me that the touch screen goes allllll the way to the edge.

You guys are genius.

All. Of the way. To. The. Edge?!

I felt for a moment I was in Star Wars. Someone bring me some smelling salts.

Meanwhile, as I gave thanks to Dawn for taking grease out of the way, somewhere in China a billionaire was and is manufacturing new and fancy iPhone covers for the eight and X sizes, as well as corresponding glass screen protectors. Protectors, which will (spoiler alert) break and have to be replaced every few months or so when you finally can no longer take the cracks slicing into your finger flesh!

I know. The manufacturer offers to replace them virtually free, but when you are desperate, you walk right into the cell phone store and buy one (full-price) because you can’t handle another blood transfusion. And, frankly you have no idea where on earth the email/receipt or whatever it is that documented your first born being sold in exchange for that sliver of fragile, yet protective, glass is.

I will admit, as I scrubbed the pan, that I thought for a second: Where exactly are my $1,000 bills?  Maybe they are in storage from our moves?

Then, the sobriety of life got to me and I quipped back to his cuteness, because he is extraordinarily cute, “I am not spending $1,000 on a phone unless it feeds the kids and drives them to school if I’m not feeling well in the morning. Period. That. Is. Ridiculous.”  And folks, that is a direct quote.

As I backed up from the sink I tripped over his sail and ran smack into my eight-year old who was lurking in the kitchen shadows eavesdropping on our conversation trying to determine if he was going to inherit an iPhone 6 in the near future.  Just so you know, that is not happening until A. he can pay for one himself or B. he is driving.  And, it feels like, by the time he gets to the age where either A, B or both will be, the iPhone will cost as much as a new car.

Apple, my sweet Apple, I do adore you, but I refuse to drop $1,000 for a phone. A phone.

A phone!

Do you all have some sort of conspiracy brewing over there at headquarters? Some might call it a “business plan” to pillage consumers of their reasoning skills and subsequently their money?

I am onto you Apple. I am scratching my head and considering the profit margin on those bad boys and whether you are playing gin rummy in a rummy game. You know, hoarding the upgrades and dropping a handful of enhancements to consumers every few months or so.

Even if that is the case – I get it. It is business.  You have shareholders.  You have employees to compensate.

But one-thousand dollars?  Per phone?

Will this fancy, fangdangled iPhone 8 or X even fit into the pocket of my skinny jeans? I know it won’t fit in the front pocket of my Old Navy shorts because my iPhone 6 or whatever it is doesn’t fit. But then again, that is probably because the shorts have ridiculously small and inadequately-sized pockets.

Do I smell another open letter?

Anyway, my friends at Apple (because I really do adore your innovation and all of your ideas, which naturally makes you my friend), I have this bad-boy mobile, mobile charger thingy (which according to my husband is actually called The Poseidon I by Dark Energy).

So, you will see me like this – back pockets full of devices as my mobile charger thing charges my mobile phone. As a matter of fact, here I am now:

Open Letter to AppleThat is not some sort of detonator on my booty. Nope. Just a rogue iPhone customer trying to get insurance to pay for Cialis for my phone battery.  And, the camo color choice on the charger?  Friends, that is because I am a Virginia girl living in North Carolina.

Or, maybe it is because the camo version was cheaper than the black one on Amazon.  True story.

You are not getting me Apple. At least not today anyway!

Godspeed to you in your revenue generating ventures.  And, for what it is worth, I call “gin!”

Your relatively loyal friend,

Melissa

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